December 29th 2019 04:38 am

I wrote this coming out letter to my family nearly 5 years ago as that year I was outed by multiple people. Though now I'm not out to most of them still, it's remained an open secret. I'm sharing this because maybe someone out there can also relate to these feelings and I hope by sharing this they won't feel as alone as I felt at the time.
Please be warned this will be emotionally heavy and I will add Content Warnings below.

CW// Intense Reflection of Homophobia, Coming Out, Family Trauma, Religious Trauma

You know when I was younger I always knew I was different from other kids and I’ve always felt it. I knew I was gay from quite a young age because of course kids have small crushes that are innocent and cute but I thought that was something wrong and honestly I thought during adolescence it was just a phase that would eventually go away.

I prayed and prayed and prayed for it to go away. I’d beg God every night to change me. I’d try so hard to like sports. Suppress every crush I had. Pray to God to destroy any trace of evidence that could lead back to who I am. I kept my distance so no one would get close. For years I played this role so well that I forgot it was just that....a role. Until that day I came out for the first time ever.

It was at youth 2000 right before I went to College I prayed for 3 things. All of which I’m Blessed to have now.

1. I would go to College and do the course that was right for me.
2. I would FINALLY make genuine friends that would truly love me for who I am
3. That I get the strength to come out to the priest.

I thought that once I did it the priest would finally rid me of this stain in my life. Once I did it though, what came after wasn’t the feeling of weight off your shoulders but guilt. Yes guilt, that I had confessed to something that, in my heart, I knew wasn’t wrong.

That was the first day in my life where the role I had previously played had finally began to shatter, my heart had won. The second person I came out to was this person on tumblr called [redacted] I hope he’s well. He was so supportive and we were there for each other when we both needed someone desperately. He was especially there for me when I came out to the third person, one of my best friends, [redacted].

I’m happy that today I have friends, that I consider family, around me. Without them I really wouldn’t have been able to stay sane in this environment. I am upset though, that majority of the people in my family knew. Instead of reaching out with love you all sought to change me because to you there was something wrong with me. Something you could NEVER come to terms with. Something that to you was worse than any crime I could’ve committed on this earth. Even with all the mistreatment I’ve gotten as a child (yes I know that’s why I was treated the way I was and I’m glad I now know it wasn't just me. Kids notice these things). I still had love for every one of you. I put you before me. I always made sure to be on my best behaviour. I’d carve the parts of me that didn’t fit the container you built for me. Yet still you didn’t love me. I’ve never asked much from any of you except you love me as I am. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Even as an adult , I still reaches out for that. But now I don’t know if I’ll ever get that from any of you. 

I’ve thought about that for a while now and at this point, It’s ok.  I’ll have to give myself that love and I know that there are people around me that love me just as I am. If you all ever choose to love me though (the real me) you’re always all welcome to.