Omair The Octopus
by L.M. Gabriel
"Finally some good news," Omair the Octopus grumbled to himself, "and about time too!". It had been a hectic 3 days in Sam Bankman-Fried's FTX offices, with $6 billion in customer withdrawals from the crypto platform in that time, and a manic level of panic and paranoia sweeping the company. However, early this morning, on this fateful November 8th 2022, news broke of a (albeit non-binding) agreement for Binance to buy FTX’s non-US unit. The hushed stealthy whispers by the Boba bar had simmered to awkward small talk about weekend plans of 50 mile cycle-hike followed by a B12 infusion to recuperate.
Omair the Octopus was gifted to Bankman-Fried by a mysterious wealth faction simply known as 'The Group', as to bestow credence to the budding financial prodigy as he’d be hailed amongst the financial elite. Originally, Omair was a deep, royal purple, but was dyed money-green by The Group to congratulate Bankman-Fried on his prosperity with FTX. Omair had lost his sight as a result but his listening abilities amplified ten-fold, making him a chronic eavesdropper that could hear conversations taking place rooms away, but also a more intuitive dancer than at the peak of his storied career.
Oh how Omair danced! Oh how everyone marvelled! Back home off the coast of the Maldives, he was simply referred to as ‘His Eminence’ - it was the name of the colour of his vibrant shade of purple, and spoke to the elegant nature of his movement. “Chaalu! Chaalu!” the crowds would chant, meaning ‘beautiful’ in the native Dhivehi tongue. Omair’s interpretation of the traditional Maldivian BoduBeru was described as ‘enchanting’ and ‘mesmerising' by the Royal Theatre of Sea-Dance Revue. If Omair was to be honest, he did let it all get to his head, demanding only the freshest of crabs and clams to satisfy his hunger; frequenting only the trendiest parts of the locale and pretending he didn’t hear, see or know his peers he came up with when he passed them along the ocean floor.
How he ended up in the office of a wannabe crypto king was a result of all this highfalutin. One day, bored with the humdrum of high society, he became curious about the pelagics - the octopuses that lived in reefs close to the surface of the ocean. Omair was in a period where all the glitz and glam had led him to loneliness; he had lost himself, his friends and what felt like his freedom. After securing a residency at an ultra-exclusive private club, ‘The Sea Standard’’, he felt like his performances were robotic and controlled. His new audience were the old money types, that lived in the deep and dark, and only seemed to come out to the private club to maintain their status and power. Omair felt suffocated. So he started searching for something more. When he came across the pelagics he was startled by their carefree attitude, the burden of pomp and circumstance didn’t seem to weigh them down at all, much unlike Omair at this point. So, one day, he followed. Up, up, up they went, and so did he. Omair was swimming to heights he had never reached before, and began feeling a sense of delirium that overcame him. The feeling itself wasn’t a new sensation, he felt it in a rush at the end of dance at the peak of his powers in ‘the good ol’ days’. Omair the Octopus felt free. He took in the ocean's beauty as he continued following the freethinkers at rapid pace. As he swam towards the light beaming down into his path, he felt heat, like a warm embrace. Though as he persisted: up, up, up, the warm embrace began to feel like a snug clasp.. Across his throat.. And the delirium had become nauseating. Omair slowed down, contemplating stopping. The pelagics continued on their way, they didn’t even notice that Omair had joined their group, for he had not had the courage to introduce himself and had embarked on this journey as more of a timid stalker than a friendly hitchhiker. Suddenly Omair started to struggle, the snug clasp had become suffocating and before he knew it, he was out cold.
As it turned out, dear Omair had been a victim of an incident not too dissimilar to that of the events of ‘Finding Nemo’ - and was spotted by a diver who quickly grabbed all the necessary equipment to capture this majestic beauty of an octopus that he had never before seen. He was transported to Muraka - the world’s first underwater villa, located in the Maldives. Then, a few months later, the Indian government gifted the Maldives 2 tonnes of anti oil spillage resources, and during a stay at Muraka, an Indian official remarked on Omair’s splendour and dazzling dancing abilities, and consequently was gifted Omair as a thank you to the nation for their support. Things quickly went downhill after that. Let’s just say, someone’s kid needed to get into USC and someone else with the juice to make that happen was willing with the enticement of a priceless, near magical aquatic marvel like Omair, and a large sum of money. Someone belonging to a certain wealthy faction called ‘The Group’.
Displayed proudly in the CEO’s office in more than a sizable tank, decorated with trinkets and treasures from the Indian Ocean; the fancy-footed octopus thought that 8th November would bring more doom because of what he overheard in the morning from the quiet of his cave. "If this deal doesn't go through you have a better chance of Omar the Octopus tap dancing you into an underground gold mine than making it out of this nonsense." Omair was unsure of the voice, it wasn't one of Bankman-Fried's usual lawyers, perhaps it was the new crisis management handler? Well, Omair could hardly concentrate on who the voice belonged to because for the 50th time in the 3 weeks he'd been there, someone had gotten his name wrong, and it simply wouldn't suffice. "OMAIR. IT'S OMAIR. O-M-A-I-R. Not OMAR. There's an *I* before the A! And what on earth is a tap dance? Does he not recognise the skillful step of the BoduBeru? How can this person be helpful in a crisis if they miss KEY details like that?!". Omair’s mood went down like a lead balloon and he retreated into his cave. “At least with this deal they’ll start to spring for the expensive stuff again - I know 2 for 1 clams when I taste them!” Omair closed his eyes and decided to sleep the rest of the day away, hoping that November 9th would bring even better news than the 8th did.
Spoiler alert - it didn't. In fact, from November 9th onwards, things got much, much, much, much worse.
The end!